This is a revisited post of the blog a few days ago entitled "When God Hurts".
My bible reading was this chapter again and I am so grieved in my heart.
It seems I am entering menopause or am premenopausal. I am not laying the blame of sin at the feet of menopause because there is no excuse. Every few cycles there is this other lady that comes to dwell with us. She is a stranger who gets angry, vicious, says terrible things she really does not mean (but means them at that very instant), pitches fits worthy of a two year old, and who has such bitter and murderous thoughts that it is a shame to repeat this here. When the rush of feelings are at full onslaught there is no sane reasoning with ME! After the ordeal it is like the calm after the storm. Things return to normal leaving me to deal with the wreckage I have caused.
Hurt feelings. Storms of rage. Raised voices. I am so ashamed. I wonder how so many other Christian woman have such self control and seem to have it all put together. And then I wonder if that is only a show. Only the Lord knows. But I need to worry about me and not others.
Prayer- God please help me. I am dealing with these terrible sins. Anger, hatred, bitterness, murderous thoughts and more. It seems impossible to deal with these things in my own power and strength but with you all things are possible. God, I have grieved you and it hurts me. I don't want to give you lip service and remain in the same state. Lord, I seem so helpless right now but I ask you to arm me with your wisdom and allow your grace to saturate my heart to desire to change and be renovated from the inside out. I need a heart cleansing today. From your throneroom please send me your help, be it from your word, you speaking to my heart, or from someone who is going through the same thing. In Jesus' name I pray.
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